Down for the Count

Hi, my name is Tajuana, owner of this blog, mama of two beautiful boys, doing life with my partner, daughter, sister, friend, and so much more. I am also the woman who threw her back out putting her sock on. Yes, you read that correctly – I THREW OUT MY BACK WHILE (TRYING) TO PUT ONE OF MY SOCKS ON. My goodness, how embarrassing! I know I’m not in the shape that I was pre kids, but I was just putting a sock on. I did gymnastics for over a decade, when I was younger so back issues have been riding shotgun with me for quite some time now but never did I imagine I’d have back issues from trying to put on a sock.

After getting dressed, I sat down on my bed, with my toddler in tow playing on the floor in front of me, I lifted up my right leg to put across my bent left leg to put my sock on and I felt something, something not normal in my left lower back and I froze; just me, my 22 month old, and my low back screaming at me. My honey had just left not long before this unfortunate event, to take our oldest to a birthday party. Was I going to call him and tell him that he needed to come back home immediately because I could not walk because I tried to put my sock on and…failed?! Nope! I wanted my oldest to have the best time at the birthday party, and I was determined not to let my low back ruin that for him.

My 22 month old also had plans that day, and I was equally determined not to let my low back ruin his plans either. After standing up and realizing that I could go no further, I panicked. What was I going to do?! So I did what any adult woman does when she finds herself in a crisis….I called my mom, and she lives 10 minutes around the corner from us but was not home. She was at my sister’s house babysitting my sweet niece. We went over a few scenarios about what to do, and then I crawled to my youngest’s room with him in tow, laughing at me because what else was he to do? His mother, who he is used to looking up at, was now eye level with him – it must be play time! Aside from being terrified for a second, knowing that I was the only adult in the house for a few more hours, I am very grateful that he had no idea what was going on. After laying on the floor for about 30 minutes and hearing my child turn into a tornado toddler messing up his room, because why not? I painfully picked myself up and got us downstairs because the last thing I was doing was sitting in the house for the next few hours with a toddler and an injured back. I packed us up and drove to my sister’s house about 30 minutes away and did not move from her couch until we left later that day.

Later on that night, after many tears and fierce denial, my mom ended up driving me to Patient First. By then, the pain was no longer manageable, and I needed some kind of relief. Quickly concluded that it was not anything extra serious, most likely my mildly bulging disc (diagnosis as a teenager post gymnastics days), rearing its ugly head again. The mild bulge of the disc (L5) was causing many types of tingling sensations and numbness in both legs and all ten toes and massive discomfort. Patient First sent me home with anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxers and instructions to use ice for the first three days, then heat and switch between the two as needed. It was not the best weekend. I was in intense pain and kept mommying as much as I could and very thankful that my honey filled in where I was lacking, which was everywhere. Talk about being vulnerable! It was also lesson learned weekend for me; the only times I have been that vulnerable was after both c-sections, and those were equally difficult.

In a past life, I prided myself on never asking for help (slowly peeling the layers of that onion back in therapy) and somehow accomplishing most life tasks on my own. Obviously, I knew best, and my way was the only way! HA! Obviously, I was wrong and have had to swallow my pride and my words more times than I wanted. A few times, I even choked on them because obviously I knew best!

I am learning to be gentle with myself while I unpack years and YEARS of certain mindsets. Unpacking can happen overnight, but truly accepting oneself in the midst of unpacking takes time. Most days, I forget that time is a thief and that healing is not linear.