Motherhood is Messy

It’s 9 PM and I’m just now getting my workout in for the day. After my workout, I will work on a podcast episode, my Etsy shop, and this blog. Some days are just like that – 9 PM and finally focusing on me.

Motherhood is messy. I have a few non negotiables that I must do daily to keep my head above water and to stay present with my kids, partner, and the rest of my family. Most days I have to literally schedule these down to the very second or they won’t get done. Some days they don’t. Moving my body and tapping into my creative side are my non negotiables at this moment in my life. There are also some days where my non negotiables aren’t even on my radar because I am focusing on surviving the day as a mom of two and when those days happen, motherhood is messy for me.

I am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. When I had my first child 3 years ago, I was drowning in perfectionism and people pleasing, which had spilled over into motherhood and it wasn’t pretty. I struggled a lot because I tried so desperately to be a Pinterest Mom and I wanted to be the perfect mom and follow all of the advice to raise the perfect child. It nearly killed me; I was suffocating. I had to find time to take a step back and figure out what was really going on.

I am a different mom now with my second child. I learned a lot as a first time mom and I am still learning being a second time mom; both have changed me in ways I could’ve never imagined. I learned to throw perfectionism and people pleasing out, although sometimes pieces of both still show up on my doorstep.

Some days I feel like I’ve got this whole mom thing figured out and other days I feel like I’ve been thrown in the ring with no warning or protection. Some days I lose my temper with my 3 year old then lay in bed at the end of the night (while holding my breath waiting for the baby to wake up) and wonder how much I messed his future self up that day and if he’ll have to go to therapy where he will talk about all of the ways I damaged him. And then if the baby will remember me losing my temper when he’s older and will be in therapy as well picking apart his childhood.

Motherhood is HARD, challenging, beautiful, rewarding, exhausting, all consuming, suffocating, and all things in between. Motherhood is messy but I wouldn’t change a thing.